Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Should I stand or should I sit?

The impenetrable bastions of masculinity have been falling one by one over the last 100 years, (before that women controlled anyway, but discreetly). Over the years the male species has surrendered in every battle to the point where even his last fortress is now facing its last stand!

The twenty-first century has seen many of the inventions of the twentieth century disappear into the grey archives of history. The typewriter, the steam train, the Concorde and glam rock, to name a few, have all become nostalgic memories. Slowly, but surely another item is dripping into extinction, the urinal. Already during my travels in main land Europe I have gone into the men's room and due to the lack of a urinal, thought I had mistakenly entered the ladies. It seems that there is a secret conspiracy whose goal it is to force men to sit while they piss.

This complot started sometime in the early part of this decade when the hard core feminists of France, Germany and Holland, demanding full equality vowed to put men where they wanted them, on the toilet. This cry for equality was heard by European housewives; the result of which they demanded that their spouses sit to wee. This rule was also passed on to male visitors, who were told in imperative tones that when using the household toilet to refrain from standing. I suppose it would have been acceptable had this stayed behind, so to say, locked doors under the watchful eyes of rubber ducks and plastic fishes; however, little by little, the “p” sitters are gaining increasing public support!

It’s all well and good to say all men must sit, so lets get rid of the urinals and pissoirs. Slow down a minute! And take a look at the consequences. We’ve all been to events, such as concerts, theater or cinema shows, and football games; no need to tell you about the mad stampede to reach the lavatories in the halftime break! Here it must be fairly said men are at an advantage, first, men usually relieve themselves faster than women, furthermore, you can fit at least two urinals in the space one toilet cubicle takes, therefore more men can use their facility at one time, than the females, who are limited to a few cubicles. Now remove the urinals, and we have chaos. It is in the character of the male species to get ‘pissed-off’ fast; and I could imagine some hefty pushing and shoving in the urge to get rid of their watery load, and if the opportunity existed to create a makeshift urinal, behind a bush, or in a dark corner, it would immediately be used!

What about knocking down the dividing wall and create a unisex washroom?! Great idea, but...would women agree to share their stronghold with men, I don’t think so! If you haven’t noticed, this call of nature is seen by many females as a group event where they can spend ages discussing whatever it is women discuss in the privacy of a female sanctuary, I don't think they would like to have their private party gate crashed by men! Have you ever heard a man asking another to join him for a piss? Rarely! Because for men it is a solo ritual, the lone wolf in the urinal, not looking right or left but at the graffiti written on the wall in front of him, unless he's trying to the hit the target fly at the bottom of the urinal. Besides, I am sure women would soon tire of the primitive habits of some of their male counterparts, such as farting and spitting.

Men are showing some form of retaliation, one method is the ‘top ten most fascinating urinals’, which should be on every man’s list of places to visit! ( I personally would skip number 6). The increase in babies changing tables in men’s rooms as a mild show of unity with the opposite gender , has pleased young mothers, who can now find more time to chat to their friends while daddy changes the pampers. Yes, fellow males, we have come a long way in the last twenty years, never mind a century!

In all justice, there are many men who prefer to sit than stand; Frank Sinatra for one hated urinals his reason being, quote, “Every time I use the john, some clown says ‘hey aren’t you Frank Sinatra?’, and I’m not one for conversing with strangers while holding my dick!” The use of cubicles does have its advantages, one can use his smart phone to play Sudoku, see how his shares are doing, or practice your five minute Zen; the privacy of a cubicle offers you a whole new world.

No matter which camp you follow, I am in the opinion that every man should have the right to choose whether he sits or stands; at least when he’s out of the house.

1 comment:

  1. Definitely! Reminds me of my fave German song!
    "Tausend nackte Weiber auf dem Männer-Pissoir"
    How do they fit a thousand naked women onto one men's urinal? (correct me if my understanding of German is awry!)